Okay, the following sounds like Grumpy Old Men on....commentators but I'm not going to apologise for that. It's Champions League night on ITV and of course, things are tough. They might have sacked Adrian Giles and Frankie Lampard's bit of spare from that GMTV/Daybreak/ OhFuckIt'sTooEarlyInTheMorningToBeThatCheery shit but there's the compensation to think of so when it comes to the trenchant, thought-provoking and insightful analysis of a match that Fergie's Furies need to emerge from with at least a point, luxuries like central heating, air conditioning, glass panels away from the unwashed masses and sitting your arse on a seat are deemed dispensable.
Which is why I'm watching Ireland's huffiest hero, Roy Keane and Gareth Southgate ( yes, actually!) regale us alongside the lesser-employed Giles from the side of the fuckin' pitch!! They've cashed in their chips and splashed out on some plastic lectern with ITV stenciled badly onto it but, jesus, if you stuck a flag in their hands they could run the line in the second half.
Clive Tyldesley's trapped in a box somewhere altho' not the kind of "box" the vast majority of the football public would like to see him in complete with incense and a few prayers and he's got Jim Beglin for company ( see above).
Now, most footballers hate pundits even though a load of them wet themselves at the possibility of being offered the Murdoch penny in retirement but I really hate these tosspots who fail to give credit to the humble goalkeeper.
eg....Swiss bloke hits a beauty from a free-kick at the edge of the box and the, in my opinion, under-rated David De Gea in the Reds goal arches high into the air and pushes it over the bar. It's a fucking brilliant save and I should know. I did something similar on Saturday there in a tight 1-0 victory over last season's promoted wunderkids but what do Tyldesley & Beglin pish on about????
"...yeah, he's done okay to get to that, the 'keeper."
Excuse me??
We get this pish all the time from commys and ex-players...
"....yes, it's a reasonable stop but it was a good height for him."
"...he's lucky to get a hand to that. Rooney really should be burying that from there."
"...oh, that's definitely a save for the cameras"
...and on and on and on and on....
Seriously, we custodians should have our own union and not just the PFfuckin'A either. I'll stand for office. Elect me.
And the first thing we do, brothers in over-sized mitre gloves, is sort out these tossers on the box who know fuck all about goalkeeping. England's most capped player is Peter Shilton with a million appearances. Get HIM on a panel and let him explain how we do it.
This is for every goalkeeper in history from David De Gea back to Bert Trautmann, Jimmy Cowan and my own hero, Jimmy Rimmer...united we stand...divided we fall.
Oh, and second on the list is to find the wanker at Mitre who re-invented the football that changes direction in mid-air...we know where you live amigo!!!
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